I think it would be better for me if more scary things happened to me.  Instead I've had more good times than bad on drugs.  There probably isn't much I haven't tried or done, ecspecially lately. When it's been bad it has been terrible.  I've had friends OD, I've felt insane, I've been arrested, gotten tickets, been ripped off, spent all my money, indirectly lost my job and almost my house, and changed everyone's opinion of me.  I rarely learn shit, better yet, I just overlook the truths and toward the next high. I've been trying hard to change this and I'm finding that when I am bored I am at my weakest. I feel the need to fill up the empty time with drugs.  It is a very difficult cycle to break. Day 3 brought to you by "not by choice" and thank you boyfriend's strength today.

I'm not really sure what to do. I'm coming here to confess. I'm fucking sober and only because my dude's phone was off. Getting high for free is a hard thing to pass up.  I got fired from my job on June 6th for some bullshit. I drank too much before and now I have to admit everything is out of control.  I would say all of it has a hold on me instead of me having a hold on it.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to do something about it yet or not.  I guess the fact that I am here writing this means something. I'm kinda fucking scared but I feel soulless and empty in regards to my life.Somedays I just hide in my bedroom and don't see any of my friends that stop by.  I feel safer with everything and everyone at a distance.

Except him. 

At this point I would give anything to him and do anything for him. 

If you want to make a rude comment either here or anywhere else, please go fuck yourself, I don't need that.

I had an amzing NYE! I had met this guy, Maverick,  a few nights before and had been hanging with him so he came out on NYE with me and Dawn and his friend Justin.  We went to his house first and had drinks then we all went to TGIF and met up with some friends and then it was up in the air.  Maverick decided right in time to skip Broadway and head over to some kegger house party some friends were having. We pulled up at 11:57 and I had to rush in. We made it just in time for the countdown and then we kissed at midnight! :) We partied for a little bit then headed back to his place and partied some more. I just got home today about 1 am.  Maverick and I slept until about 5 then got up and ate dinner and had a few drinks and watched a movie. I think he's rad. I told Dawn I needed to spend a few days away from him because I liked him and I don't want to.  There isn't a crazy amount of passion or anything but I really enjoy conversation with him and I like that he thinks and tells me how smart I am and asks me about what my ideas are concerning some ventures he has going on. He's 37.  I don't know what is has been lately but I do not click well with younger guys, I need about 8-10 years for some good conversation among other things I'm throwing in a few pics.

For every smart move I make I make 3 fucking retarded ones.  These stupid mistakes keep costing me money and what little bit of sanity I have left.  I just keep breaking over and over and its getting uncontrollable.  I am stressed out beyond belief. I am sick of the harassing emails, phone calls, and texts. I am sick of running nonstop on full speed for nothing but more let down.  I keep struggling to make it better for myself, but I'm so unfocused that in the end I make it worse.  I am thankful for a recent blessing but I don't know how much longer I can hold on to whats left of my head. Last night before the police incident I considered checking myself into a mental hospital just to get a break from fucking reality.  I guess people who have money take vacations.

I hate it when I feel like I like someone more than they like me, it's always one way or the other. 

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind"

#4
WOW
This is some rockin' great sex, I think its the insane amount of foreplay then I like how he talks dirty to me, not to mention other admirable things.  He is no longer odd about it and just keeps saying how it feels so right.  WooHoo. I hope I can keep this one around for some sexin' action on a regular basis.  I finally came. I haven't came with a guy and not batteries since Louie so thats been almost a year. Not true, one time I came with Dan and not batteries.  (way at the beginning, so I had forgotten) Oh god I thanked him and kissed his cheek, I am such a dork, oh wow. I am relaxed, no wonder I have been super stressed!

Side note, date with Shawn NY from Florence tom night should be fun. Thur free and then Fri is Ashley's B-day Party I guess TGIF then the Pimp N Ho Party at Krypt then Sat girl's night out again.  These bitches are killin' me, but I wouldn't have it any other way!